The Pandering CEO’s Guide to Censoring Christmas

imagesDear American CEO

In your wish to maximize year-end profit please remember to quietly refuse any reference of Christ or Christmas in your workplace this holiday season.   In order to provide maximum sales of your products nothing must offend your customer’s experience in your stores.  Offending customers may limit traffic, create bad press, and reduce revenue.

Further, offended staff may reduce their productivity.  Remember, as the leader of your company, it is most important to keep your staff on task.   Unity is king!  Do not indulge your staff with opportunity to express any “spiritual” significance during the most important shopping season of the year.  They must together carry the message of “holiday” to help bring a successful close to the fiscal season.

I have learned effective ways to keep this holiday season focused on the almighty dollar.  They are lessons I’ve learned from CEO’s that came before me.  I am willing to share them with you because I see you have what it takes to carry them forward.  You have strictly compartmentalized your faith.  Monday through Saturday is for business.  Church is for Sundays.  Stick with that and you could gain the whole world!

Anyway, here are some lessons I’ve learned from CEO’s in my Christmas’ past:

  1. Forbid the word “Christmas”:  This word is associated with “Christians” and those that do not share their faith may feel slighted.  We want to include everyone in on the “holiday” alternative.  So, by all means no more “Merry Christmas” in the workplace.
  2. Replace the annual “Christmas Card” with a “Holiday Card”:  Most people won’t care or notice.  Again, we want to be friends to all and not slight others that are different from us.  This acceptance really shows love better than making people uncomfortable, right?
  3. Send an email to your staff explaining the “appropriate way” to communicate:  You are the leader and must communicate your vision to replace “Merry Christmas” with “Happy Holidays”.  They will follow your lead.  Remember, it’s for the unity of the team!
  4. Donate to a “Humanitarian” Cause:  Show your goodwill to all by donating to a cause that does not offend.  Stay away from groups that take stands against non-traditional lifestyles.  Stay away from donating to groups like the Boy Scouts, Salvation Army, etc.
  5. Remind everyone the private nature of “faith”:  This is the key to convincing them all.  It’s certainly ok for your staff to have “faith” so long as they don’t share it.  What’s that saying?  Oh yeah, “Preach Christ everywhere you go, and when necessary, use words.”  Use that and you’ll get their heads nodding like a Santa Clause Bobble Head doll!

Happy Season!

Comments

  1. A smart and witty post. It’s amazing how our companies crave profits this year, benefiting from Christmas, but they are loathe to even express the word.

    • David – I just came from a business breakfast in Nashville where the moderator clearly felt political pressure as he said he “would not apologize for wishing us all a Merry Christmas”. The pressure is strong to censor any words that describe Christian faith. But he made the right choice. Thank you for your comment.

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